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Why Men Cheat

A number of years ago I used to own an Adult Shop … it was an amazing place to work. The customers that shopped there were so varied- there was Mr and Mrs Average, Crossdressers, Drag Queens, Strippers and Escorts. The stories they told me were hillarious and facinating.

Something that really ‘opened my eyes’ was the stories the Strippers and Escorts told me about their clients. Most of the men that visited them were in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s and were married. Apparently these men were in marriages or partnerships where sex was either non existant or routine and boring. These men were visiting these ladies for sex and intimacy but also to experience something a little different, such as fantasy play or a position other than ‘missionary’.

After talking to these girls, I decided to create a workshop for women on how to spice up their sex life. After all I was in the perfect location … so I closed my shop to customers on a sunday and ran the workshops from my shop. They were a huge success and a lot of fun!

The workshops have evolved over the last 7 years to what they are now … Bedroom Goddess – The Lessons in the Art of Loving’ To find out more just click here

So Why Do Men Cheat?

The reasons why men cheat on women can be varied. Sometimes their reasons don’t even involve you and it’s simply an ego-based decision. Other times, reasons why men cheat can involve you and your relationship, or lack thereof.

Almost all men know that cheating is wrong, yet many they still do it. Men will blame their reasons for cheating on their genes and their necessity to reproduce, and there is some truth to this theory. (The genetic and evolutionary make up of males – both in humans and across the animal kingdom – is to widen their gene pool as much as possible and prevent the genetic material of rivals from being passed to the next generation…. yet surely we have evolved as a species since then? )

Here are the top ten reasons why men cheat:

1. The top reason that men cheat is emotional disconnection. Men are also emotionally driven beings, they want their wives to show them that they’re appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they’re trying to get things right. With daily worries like bills, children and work, it is easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should.

This feeling of under appreciation is often expressed as follows: “She doesn’t understand me” – “We don’t talk” – “She is too busy with the children” “She is too tired for sex”.

Basically he is not receiving enough attention from his partner and he feels criticized and undermined. When feeling unappreciated at home many men start to feel insecure, and it is that very sense of insecurity which is often the catalyst to the affair. Men need to feel they can make their partner happy and to feel admired and trusted.

The other woman often makes the man feel admired and better about himself and he thinks that she is helping him to deal with his current unhappiness.

2. Your sex life stinks. Some men cheat because they are not receiving an adequate amount of sex at home, because perhaps their partner’s sex-drive has decreased or the sex they do enjoy has grown stale and repetitive. If you have not had sex with your husband in a while —or have cut him of completely, just be aware that one of the factors that is predictive of marriage success is the man’s satisfaction with the sexual experience. So, if you want to be happily married to a man, then you have to find a way to connect with him sexually.

Men have insecurities too. Sex, for a man, validates him and it is his way of expressing his love for you .  

Your man may also want to try new sexual things that you will not try. Sex researcher Helen Kaplan once wrote of a  man whose marriage ended when his wife, whom he loved very much, found out that he was seeing a dominatrix. Sadly, Dr. Kaplan said, the man’s “requirements” were minimal, but he was afraid his wife would abandon him if he even suggested she do what the dominatrix did.

Men generally want more sex compared to women and if their partner cannot give them what they want, they usually turn towards another who can give them that satisfaction, be that by having an affair or seeing an escort. A routine sex life can be as bad as none at all, and sex with a new partner can break this cycle.

Just because you have a husband or boyfriend, does not mean you can stop trying. It takes a little bit of effort to keep your sex life from becoming boring and non-existent. By keeping surprise and sizzle in your sex life, a woman can keep the home fires burning so hot that her man won’t have any reason to cheat. Visit my website to find out How to Be a Bedroom Goddess

3. You grow apart. Maybe the two of you didn’t have as much in common as you thought.

4. You argue a lot. Men will sometimes cheat to get away from an overly critical or argumentative partner. Who wants to be around someone who is constantly nagging them?

5. They have fallen out of love. Sometimes men become so comfortable in a relationship, they don’t know how to get out. They may be staying in the relationship because of children or financial reasons. However, they feel like they are missing out on love and may seek it out elsewhere. In their mind, this is as close to win-win as they can get.

6. It’s new, different and exciting. Some men get tired of having steak for dinner every night and want to try chicken. That’s why men don’t necessarily always cheat with women who are more attractive than their partners.

7. Because they had the option.  Men don’t get offered sex as often as women so when the opportunity does arise, it can be very difficult for them to turn it down. Many men who love their partners and have great sex at home never turn down an opportunity for a bit on the side if they think they can get away with it. In one study, 56% of cheating men surveyed said their marriages were very happy.

Statistics show that 70 per cent of unfaithful men never dreamed they’d be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn’t done it. But even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don’t assume it can’t happen. It’s important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.

What can you do to reduce the possibility of cheating?

1. Men and women need appreciation in different ways. Men want to be admired and appreciated  (they want to know they can get it right for you and be appreciated for it). So if you are woman ask your partner to help you with something that will make him feel good as a man and appreciate him for it.  Women on the other hand, need to be told that they are special.

2. Focus on making your relationship more loving and connected. A strong emotional connection reduces the likelihood of cheating.

3. Schedule in time in your calendars each week to have special time together, maybe to go on a date or do something that nourishes your relationship. The most common mistake of married men and women is they stop dating and flirting . Set one day for you alone. Forget about the children and your other responsibilities. Go out and have fun. Flirt with your partner in both verbal and non-verbal ways.

4. Take an interest in the emotional life of your partner; ask them what they would like more of/less of in the relationship. Find out what is important to them. Communication is a crucial part of any marriage. 

 5. Take steps to ‘Spice Up Your sex Life’ – Sex is one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority. If you want to affair proof your marriage, you must always find time for sex.  Continue to explore the sexual needs of your partner and do not be afraid to try various positions, toys and fantasy play. Marriage counselors will always tell you that one way to keep your partner beside you is through sensual , fun and playful lovemaking . Click here to find out more about Bedroom Goddess – The Lessons in the Art of Loving

Finally, if your partner has had an affair, NEVER put all the blame on yourself. 

Ultimately, he is responsible for his behaviour.  

An affair doesn’t have to mean the end of a marriage and the beginning of a painful divorce. However, it is a sign that something is profoundly wrong in the marriage and needs fixing. I can help you with re-igniting your sex life and increasing your confidence both in and out of the bedroom, but I do suggest you see a professional relationship counsellor.

To learn more about Bedroom Goddess – The Lessons in the Art of Loving click here

Scroll down to find some tips on how to Spice Up Your Sex Life … and please leave a comment

Love Kim xxx


Comments on: "Why Men Cheat" (4)

  1. Screw you bitch!

    The real reason men cheat! Or at least, my reason.

    Hi Kim,

    I have to admit that I loved your post. And your sources for this post seem to be pretty bang on the money about the reasons men give as their justification for cheating. Or at least, their stated reasons.

    You see I used to be a cheater.That’s pretty tough to type. It means I have to face and take responsibility for my actions.

    I’ve used every single one of those reasons as my excuse for straying outside of my relationships albeit, I also threw in one other ‘intelligent people understand that men aren’t programmed for monogamy’

    how’s that for casting the shoe onto someone elses foot. By intellectualising the event I’d made it her problem. If she complained, she effectively admitted to being of a lesser intellect. By becoming upset, she admits to being weak.

    By now, you’re probably thinking “What an arsehole” and you would be right. That’s exactly what I found out I had become. Not to anyone else, mind you, I was the life of the party and all round good guy. I just happened to be poisonous to the one person who loved me the most.

    The title of my comment is not a statement aimed at you but an internal frustration I carried for nearly 30 years.

    You see, I was angry at my mother, a woman who became (or at least it seemed to me) unavailable to me emotionally after her and my dad separated when I was young.

    This manifested itself for me, and I believe many men from separated parents, in a constant need for love. However, it’s hard to justify searching for love once you feel your own parents have turned their backs on you.And, in fact you fail to realise when you have real love in your life again in the form of a ‘significant other’.

    If love is no longer available to you, then you search for the next best thing. Acceptance. And there is no greater form of acceptance than sexual permission for once a woman agrees to give you her body for as long as you require then you get to feel validated.

    And it is this need for acceptance and validation that drives men to seek sexual conquest outside of their relationships once they reach their tipping point. The point they hit as a result of the 7 reasons your post outlines as excuses for wandering.

    We may not say it to your face and we may not even realise we feel it but somewhere deep inside us is a feeling that says. “Screw you bitch, I don’t feel validated, I need to find someone that accepts me. Even if it’s just for a moment.”

    • Hi Rodney

      Well your headline certainly grabbed my attention!

      I want to thankyou for stepping forward and commenting on my post. That took courage.

      It will certainly help other women to hear this from a man’s perspective. Women don’t realize how much a man need her acceptance, he needs to know he is doing a good job and feel appreciated. Also women do not realize how important sex is for a man … it is how they express love, and also connected with their value, self worth and mission in life.

      We all have an ‘inner heart wounding’, (in your case, feeling unwanted or unloved end emotionally disconnected from your mother after your parents divorce) and we keep repeating scenarios in our lives that bring up this wounding. As you stated you were looking for acceptance, love and validation from the ‘other woman’ – yet the only way we can get this is from ourselves.

      My biggest challenge/eart wounding was ‘feeling unwanted’ and I continuously brought up situations in my life that made me feel unwanted … I now know how to control this ‘inner deamon’… but she sometimes still rears her ugly little head.

      Rodney, I am not a counsellor, but using a process called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) I can help you release your beliefs from your early childhood and discover peace and acceptance within. Just go to my website to find out more (I do see Savvy Inspired Men as well)

      I’d love to know if you are still with your partner?

      May I also suggest a fabulous book – The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

      Kim xxx

      • Hey Kim,

        Thanks for the offer. I’m incredibly luck to have been guided by a couple of really great coaches over the last few years, so I now get to understand where this need for acceptance comes from and how top deal with it inside of my marriage.

        If it hadn’t been for that coaching there’s no way I would have got to this point. You see, this year I will celebrate 5 years of sleeping with only one woman. there was a time in my life I would have felt shame with that. I thought love was a numbers game.

        I am very lucky to be married to a woman who I was able to be very open and honest with from day one. i told her about my past, I told her about my need for acceptance and I told her about my weaknesses.

        She helps to protect me from myself, if she notices that someone is paying more attention than is appropriate, she asks me about it. It gives me the opportunity to examine the relationship I have with that person and also the opportunity to steer it away from a path I no longer feel the need to take.

        One of the great things about this amazing woman of mine, is that she allows me to express if I feel an attraction to this person and examine the reason for that attraction. By facing the issue instead of running away from it, we prevent it becoming a significant problem.

        I love my wife and by being completely honest about who we are as people, we protect each other and our marriage.

        I love The 5 Love Languages and in fact, it was the very first gift I gave my future wife in 2007. It might not be a traditional first gift, but I wanted to know the new woman in my life and I wanted her to know who i was. it is the book i have most often purchased and given away.

        i also have the app, because I talk about it so much that I end up putting people through the quiz.

        I am a quality time/ physical touch person and my wife is a quality time / acts of service person. my sisters used to call us the doves.

        • Rodney

          You gave me goosebumps … I commend and admire you for everything you have shared on this blog.

          What a corageous man you are, and I am sure you have helped many women by sharing you experiences with us here.

          I recommend the book the 5 Love Languages to so many people … my ex husband’s love language is ‘acts of service’ and mine is Words of Affirmations/quality time …. so while he was doing all these ‘acts of service’ to show me how much he loved me … I never felt loved because he never told me! He never even said my name ‘Kim’ until we were in the stages of divorce. ( he later told me the reason was because my father once made fun of the way he said Kim, becuase of his Kiwi accent) … but I just wanted to be acknowledged by having him say my name!

          How incredible is that book and how many relationships can be saved if everone read this book before embarking on a life together.

          My … 2 quality time people together … it must be divine!

          I thank you again for having the courage to post your comments and I am so happy that you have found the woman that loves and accepts you for who you are …. you are a lucky man …. and SO IS SHE !!

          Kim xx

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